Supporting Children in Navigating Friendships

Friendships can be especially complex, for neurodivergent and neurotypical children alike. Many kids work hard to understand social expectations, manage sensory and emotional input, and figure out where they truly feel safe being themselves.

Supporting friendships isn’t about teaching kids to “fit in.” It’s about helping them notice how relationships feel in their bodies and nervous systems and giving them language and support along the way.

1. Notice patterns, not problems

Children often show how a relationship feels through their bodies, not their words. Instead of focusing on behavior, observe patterns over time:

• Do they seem more regulated or dysregulated around certain peers?

• Are they masking, people-pleasing, or holding themselves together?

• How do they feel after spending time together: are they energized, flat, overwhelmed, irritable?

You might gently reflect like this: “I noticed you seemed more yourself after that playdate: you were relaxed and chatty.”

This helps children build awareness of where their nervous system feels safest, without labeling anyone as “good” or “bad.”

2. Use low-pressure, open-ended questions

Many kids need time and space to process. Avoid rapid questioning or trying to get a clear answer right away. Instead, offer slow, open invitations:

• “What was easy about being with them?”

• “What felt hard for you during the playdate with Sam?”

• “Did you feel like you could be yourself?”

It’s okay if the child doesn’t know yet. Insight often comes later, once they feel safe enough to reflect.

3. Define friendship through safety and fit

Rather than focusing on social rules or expectations, help children think about what friendship feels like:

• Feeling accepted without having to pretend to be someone else

• Being able to say no or take breaks

• Being treated with kindness, even during disagreements

This shifts the conversation away from popularity or obligation and toward relational fitness, which is especially important for kids who have spent years masking or adapting.

4. Support them through uncomfortable social feedback

Comments like “you’re being annoying” or “you’re too much” can be deeply dysregulating for children, especially neurodivergent. Start by validating:

“That makes sense that it hurt. Anyone would feel upset by that. I’m so sorry that happened to you.” Sit with them on the bench instead of rushing to immediately fix or problem solve or “look on the bright side.”

Later, when the child is calm, you can gently explore:

• What that comment brought up for them

• Whether it felt like helpful feedback or just unkind

• What support they might want next time (scripts, walking away, adult help)

The goal is not to change who they are, but to help them feel less alone in hard moments.

5. Normalize that letting friendships change is hard

Many children hold tightly to relationships because:

• Change feels unsafe

• History feels binding

• They fear not finding new connections, or experiencing additional rejection

It’s important to normalize that:

• Friendships can matter and still not work anymore, even if there is long history

• Ending or pausing a friendship can bring grief, guilt, and confusion

• Missing someone doesn’t mean you have to keep hurting yourself to stay connected

This helps children trust their internal signals instead of overriding them.

6. Model boundaries and repair in your own relationships

Children learn about relationships by watching adults. When possible, model:

• Saying no without over-explaining

• Repairing misunderstandings

• Choosing relationships that respect differences

• Letting go of relationships that are consistently dysregulating

• Talking openly about what qualities you like in your friends and how you feel around them

7. Gently support new connections, at the child’s pace

If your child mentions new people they feel curious or comfortable with, help create low-demand opportunities:

• Short, predictable playdates

• Parallel play or shared interests

• Clear start and end times

• Suggestions on how to approach those kids at school or events

New friendships don’t need to replace old ones. Instead, they simply widen the child’s sense of possibility and belonging.

Parent Scripts for When Kids Say “It’s Fine”

When children say, “It’s fine,” it often doesn’t mean everything is okay. It usually means:

• They don’t yet have words

• They’re trying to protect themselves (or you)

• Their nervous system isn’t ready to process

• They’ve learned that minimizing keeps things calm

The goal is not to force honesty, but to keep the door open and communicate safety.

Acknowledge without challenging, and then add a gentle opening

This helps kids feel believed and supported.

“Okay. I hear you. If it really is fine, we can leave it there. And if it turns out later that it wasn’t fine, you can tell me then.”

This shows you respect their words, which is important for kids who feel scrutinized or corrected often.

Reflect what you noticed (without accusing)

Use observations instead of interpretations.

“I noticed you got very quiet after that happened. Sometimes that’s what ‘fine’ looks like when something was actually hard.”

Then stop talking. Silence gives space.

Normalize delayed feelings

Many kids process hours later.

“Some kids don’t know how they feel until their body settles. We can check in later.”

Offer options instead of questions

Questions can feel demanding. Options feel safer.

“We don’t have to talk about it. We could draw, play, sit quietly, or talk later. You can choose.”

Choice lowers defensiveness, especially for PDA or anxious kids.

 When “it’s fine” shows up repeatedly

This script helps kids feel seen without pushing.

“I notice you say ‘it’s fine’ a lot when something looks uncomfortable. That tells me you’re working really hard to handle things on your own. You don’t have to do that here. I notice how uncomfortable this feels for you.”

For bedtime or later emotional release

When feelings finally surface:

“I’m really glad you told me now. It makes sense your body waited until it felt safe. I wonder what we might want to do about this…” then pause and don’t say anything. Take the child’s lead. This can always be revisited later.

Avoid saying “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”