Why Children Lie (and What to Do About It)

Is my child a sociopath? They have cookie crumbs on their face and when I asked them whether they snuck a cookie from the pantry, they deny it. What is GOING ON?

Children might lie for many reasons:

• To cover something up and avoid getting in trouble or feeling embarrassed — often as an impulsive reaction

• To test your reaction

• To make a story more interesting or entertaining

• To experiment — for example, by blending reality with imagination

• To gain attention or connection

• To get something they want — e.g., “Mom lets me have lollipops before dinner”

• To avoid hurting someone’s feelings — these are often "white lies," shaped by cultural norms (like saying someone looks good in a dress or talking about the tooth fairy)

At the core, we lie when it doesn’t feel safe to tell the truth. Reflect on whether your response might be making truth-telling feel unsafe for your child.

Lying is Normal — and Frustrating

Lying is a protective pattern, and while it can be extremely frustrating and seem illogical, it is a normal, fear-based, reactive behavior — even over seemingly minor things.

Adults lie too. Think about the last time you told a half-truth or avoided saying something directly. We often do it to avoid conflict or discomfort. Lying isn’t usually personal — it’s a very human thing.

Still, when kids lie, it often feels personal. It challenges our sense of reality and can trigger deep feelings around trust and morality. It can bring up fears like, “If they lie now, will they always be dishonest?” or “Am I a bad parent?”

The Stress Response and Lying

When a child anticipates that telling the truth will lead to someone being upset or disappointed, their brain often interprets this as danger — a potential rupture in their relationship with someone they love.

That rupture can bring up shame and a fear of losing connection. And in a stressed state, their brain isn’t thinking long term. It’s only focused on what’s happening right now — a normal, developmentally appropriate response rooted in neuroscience.

How Adults Sometimes Contribute

When we already know the truth but ask a child anyway, we may unintentionally set them up to lie. We give them an opportunity to deny, which becomes the beginning of a cycle. Instead of testing them, try to shift your mindset: look past the lie and avoid labeling it as a character flaw or a parenting failure.

Encouraging Truth-Telling

As kids grow and start to understand the difference between truth and fiction, it’s helpful to gently support and model honesty — especially in emotionally safe, non-punitive ways.

Tips for Encouraging Honesty

• Respond with gentleness. Tone, facial expression, and body language matter. If your reaction feels unsafe, they may double down.

• It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility to create as much safety as possible. Offer the conditions for truth to thrive, even if you can’t control whether it happens.

• Model pausing before answering. Talk aloud about moments when you felt tempted to lie or hide something and how you chose to pause and think instead.

• Be direct, without blame.“I think you might not be eating lunch at school.”“I noticed your toothbrush is dry. What do we need to do differently?”“I know that’s not true, and I want to figure it out with you.”

• Don’t ask questions you already know the answer to. Instead of asking, “Did you spill the milk?”, try: “Looks like milk spilled. Let’s clean it up together.”

• Reassure them that honesty doesn’t need to be dramatic.“You don’t need to exaggerate — I’m listening, and I care.”

• Gently challenge with curiosity.“I want to believe you, but something about that doesn’t feel right. Hmmm…”

• Acknowledge the "do-over instinct."“It seems like if you could do this over, you’d make a different choice. I’m here to help you through it, not judge you.”

• Shift away from blame.“There’s still food in your lunchbox. I wonder if your body didn’t feel hungry or if something distracted you?”

• Praise honesty.“Thanks for telling me. I know that was hard. Let’s figure out what to do next.”

• Be a truth-teller yourself.“I made a mistake today and told my boss so we could fix it together.”

• Work on impulse control.At the dinner table, narrate what it’s like to pause before responding. Let them hear your inner dialogue — “I wanted to say X, but I paused and said Y.”

• Examine your family culture.Are kids allowed to say things like, “I don’t like this dinner” or “I don’t want to do that”? Are real feelings and thoughts welcome, even if they’re uncomfortable?

  
  

Bottom Line: Connection First

Focus on connection, co-regulation, and felt safety — always. Lying is less about manipulation and more about protection. When a child feels safe, truth-telling becomes less risky and more natural.