How to Share an Autism, ADHD, or AuDHD Diagnosis With Your Child

Many families I work with have completed a mental health or psychological evaluation for their child, whether recommended by a provider or pursued independently. Because I have this conversation frequently, I wanted to put the information together in one place as a resource families can easily access and revisit.

Receiving an Autism, ADHD, or AuDHD (or other such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, etc) diagnosis for your child can bring many emotions. Some parents feel relief because they finally have answers. Others feel overwhelmed, worried, or unsure of what comes next.

One of the most common questions I hear is: "Should I tell my child? If so, how should I share this with my child?”

My answer is always a resounding yes!

Children usually know long before adults tell them that something feels different. Children tend to notice when school feels harder than it seems to for their classmates. They notice when loud noises bother them more than others, or when they struggle to start tasks, make friends, or keep up with expectations. They just might not have the language to explain it. When children don't have an explanation, they often create one themselves.

Unfortunately, those explanations for a child might often sound like:

• "I'm lazy."

• "I'm bad."

• "I'm too sensitive."

• "Everyone else can do this. What's wrong with me?"

  
  

A diagnosis gives language to a difference your child has likely been experiencing for a long time. The goal isn't simply to share a label, or to use this as a crutch. Instead, the goal is to help you understand your child better, and for your child to understand themselves with compassion and understanding rather than shame and share important aspects with school or other areas of their lives.

A note about language: 

I highly recommend that you use identity first language: autistic child instead of child with autism but this is up to you. Many neurodivergent self-advocates prefer identity-first language because they see autism as an integral part of who they are, not something separate from them.

If your child is old enough, you can also ask what language feels right to them. Modeling respect for their preferences helps support a positive and empowered sense of identity. The most important thing is not choosing the “perfect” wording: it is using language that communicates respect, acceptance, and understanding.

Start with Yourself

Before talking with your child, spend some time processing your own thoughts and emotions. You might feel relieved, validated, hopeful, confused, guilty, overwhelmed, or even grieve the expectations you once had. All these reactions are understandable.

How we feel about the evaluation often influences how our children come to understand it. Children are incredibly perceptive. They pay attention not only to our words, but also to our tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. If our words say, "This is good information," but our emotions communicate fear or sadness, children are much more likely to absorb the emotions than the words.

If you find yourself having a difficult time accepting the results, that's okay. You don't have to have everything figured out immediately. Consider giving yourself a little time before having a detailed conversation with your child. Use that time to learn more about the diagnosis, ask questions, and begin making sense of what the evaluation means for your family.

One of the most helpful things you can do is to seek out accurate, neurodiversity-affirming information. Read books, listen to podcasts, connect with autistic and ADHD adults, and join supportive parent communities. The more you understand your child's neurotype, the more confident you'll feel talking with them about it and advocating for them in specific environments.

In my experience, when parents feel hesitant about an evaluation or diagnosis, that hesitation often comes from love rather than denial. Many parents worry about the stigma their child may face or wonder how the diagnosis will shape their future. Others may recognize similar traits in themselves and find that the evaluation brings up unexpected questions about their own experiences. These fears are understandable.

Unfortunately, misconceptions about neurodivergence still exist and are pervasive: many families have encountered outdated or inaccurate information. The good news is that understanding your child's brain gives you a roadmap for supporting them and advocating for them with confidence.

If you still have questions about the evaluation, don't hesitate to reach out to your evaluator or your child's therapist if you are working with one before talking with your child. Feeling comfortable with the results doesn't mean you have to become an expert overnight, but having a clear understanding of your child's unique profile will help you answer their questions with honesty and confidence.

Remember, your child has always had this brain. The evaluation didn't change who they are. Instead, it simply gave everyone a better understanding of how their brain naturally works. When you approach the conversation with curiosity, acceptance, and confidence, you're helping your child build that same relationship with themselves.

You Might Learn Something About Yourself Too

One common thing I hear after an evaluation is: “This kind of sounds exactly like me and how my brain operates.”

This is incredibly common. Neurodivergence often runs in families, so it is not unusual for parents to notice similarities between their own experiences and what they are learning about their child. For some parents, this can bring a sense of clarity or even relief. For others, it may bring up new questions about their own neurotype and life experiences.

This is especially common in adults who were not identified in childhood and learned to adapt in ways that may have involved masking, overcompensating, or working very hard to “make things work” without support. Many of these individuals were never evaluated because their challenges were missed, misunderstood, or attributed to other factors.

For some parents, this realization becomes more noticeable during major life transitions, such as parenting, when previously manageable strategies may no longer feel sufficient under increased demands and expectations.

If this resonates with you, you may find it helpful to explore further. Some adults choose to pursue a formal evaluation, while others begin by learning more about neurodivergence and reflecting on their own experiences.

There is no single “right” path. Understanding yourself better is valuable at any age, whether that comes through formal diagnosis, self-reflection, or both.

A Different Way to Think About a Diagnosis

I like explaining what we found out in an evaluation like this: We didn't discover that anything is wrong with your child. Instead, we learned more about how their brain naturally works, and neuroaffirming ways that we can support and grow their brains. Different brains need different supports. The evaluation is sort of like a roadmap.

Your child is the same wonderful person they were before the evaluation. The diagnosis simply helps us understand them more clearly.

Learn About Your Child's Unique Brain

No two autistic children are alike. No two children with ADHD are alike. The same is true for children who are AuDHD.

There are general similarities that do and can exist for these groups of people (such as emotional dysregulation, sensory preferences, rigidity, toileting challenges, attention regulation challenges), so take time to learn about how your child's unique brain works. Pay attention to what brings them joy, what drains their energy/battery life, what helps them regulate, what areas need the most support and scaffolding and what situations feel especially challenging.

I also encourage families to learn from other neurodivergent adults. Reading books, listening to podcasts, or following autistic and ADHD/Autism advocates can provide valuable perspectives that complement professional recommendations.

Here are some of my favorites:

Full-Tilt Parenting by Debbie Reber (also author of Raising Differently Wired Kids)

The Neurodivergent Woman

Beautifully Complex

The Neurodiversity Podcast

ADHD Experts Podcast

Raising Kids with OCD and Anxiety: AT Parenting Survival

At Peace Parents

The Calm Parenting Podcast

Flusterclux with Lynn Lyons

Low Demand Parenting

Meet my Autistic Brain

The Autism ADHD Podcast

The Autism Mom Coach

The Baffling Behavior Show

Talking with Your Child

Lots of parents are nervous about starting this conversation. The important part is that you don't need a perfect script. Keep the conversation simple, positive, and honest. You can also share that you are learning and discovering more about this, too, and we might not always have all of the answers right away. It's ok to say, "I don't know, but we can find out together."

You might say something like this: "Do you remember that evaluation (big test) that you completed the other month? Well, we learned some new information about your brain today. We found out that you're autistic." Or "We learned that your brain has ADHD." Or "We found out that you're AuDHD, which means your brain has both autistic and ADHD traits. Sometimes those traits argue and it can feel really hard and overwhelming to know what to do. It's two sets of brain needs that sometimes pull in different directions.”

Then pause and see what else they need in that moment. It could be additional information, time and space to process, or asking questions. Some children may ask 20 questions while others may shrug and run out of the door. All responses are ok as they are. This conversation doesn't have to happen all at once. It's the beginning of an ongoing discussion that will grow as your child grows.

Explaining Autism

For younger children, you might say:

"We learned something really important about your brain from the evaluation. We found out that you're autistic. That means your brain works a little differently than some other people's brains, and that's okay. Being autistic means your brain notices lots of details that other people might miss. Your senses can feel bigger, too. Things like loud sounds, scratchy clothing, bright lights, or unexpected changes might feel much more intense to you than they do for other people.

For you, we also learned that changing from one activity to another can feel really hard. That's why it can be difficult to stop reading when you're enjoying your book or leave the playground when it's time to go home. Your brain likes a little extra time to adjust, and now the grown-ups in your life know how to help with that.

Being autistic also means you have your own wonderful strengths. You notice things other people miss, you think in unique ways, and you have interests and ideas that make you who you are."

For older children, you can explain that autism is a spectrum. This means there isn't just one way to be autistic. Autistic people have different strengths, interests, personalities, communication styles, sensory experiences, and support needs.

Some autistic people communicate using spoken language, while others use a communication device or other forms of communication. Some enjoy routines and predictability, while others seek novelty or have both needs at different times. Some need a lot of support in their daily lives, while others need very little. Every autistic person is unique.

You might also add: "Being autistic doesn't tell us everything about you. It is just one part of you. It simply helps explain how your brain naturally works and helps us to find supports that fit you, rather than expecting your brain to work exactly like everyone else's."

Explaining ADHD

ADHD affects how the brain regulates attention, motivation, and energy. It really is a misnomer: it’s not an attention deficit issue but an attention regulation issue, especially on things that are boring or perceived as unimportant to them.

Sometimes your child may focus deeply on something they love. Other times, even getting started on a task they want to do can feel incredibly difficult. That isn't laziness. It's how their brain regulates attention. One child-friendly explanation is: "We found out today that you have ADHD. You were born this way and will always have an ADHD brain. Your brain has lots of ideas all at once. Sometimes it zooms really fast, and sometimes it gets stuck trying to decide where to begin. It’s kind of like a Ferrari with bicycle brakes and it’s very hard to slow down.”

You can also explain that ADHD doesn't mean someone can't pay attention. “We spoke with the evaluator from the other day and she helped us understand your brain a little better. She helped us learn that you have an ADHD brain but not the hyperactive type, but the type where you are daydreaming a lot, forgetful, or maybe even very perfectionistic and take a lot of time to complete tasks. One cool thing is that your brain has a rich imagination. Sometimes your thoughts are so interesting that your brain accidentally spends time there instead of paying attention to what's happening around you. That can make it hard to hear directions or remember what you were supposed to do next. It isn't because you're ignoring people. Your brain just got pulled somewhere else. It doesn't mean you're lazy or not trying hard enough. It just means your brain needs different kinds of tools and support."

"School asks your brain to do lots of things that are extra hard for ADHD brains, like sitting still for a long time, remembering lots of directions, switching between subjects, and paying attention to things you didn't choose. That doesn't mean you can't learn. It just means your brain learns best when adults understand how it works."

Explaining AuDHD

For children who are both Autistic and ADHD, I often explain that they have two different “helpers” or “parts” in their brain.

One helper says: “I like knowing exactly what’s going to happen. I feel better when things are familiar, predictable, and I know the plan. I notice details, think deeply, care a lot about fairness, and sometimes really like routines, predictability and special interests.

The other helper says: “Let’s try something new! That looks fun and exciting! This part of your brain helps you be creative, curious, imaginative, energetic, and full of ideas, but it can also make it harder to slow down, focus on boring things, wait, or organize all the thoughts in your brain. Sometimes these two helpers work together really well.  But sometimes the helpers don’t agree. One helper wants to stick with what feels safe and familiar, while the other wants to change plans or try something new. When that happens, it can feel confusing, overwhelming, or “stuck,” because both parts are trying to help in different ways.”

"We are learning more about how your brain works and what are the best kinds of support for you, both at home and school. _____ (therapist) is also working with us to understand you and your brain better, too."

Real-life examples:

• Wanting to go to a friend’s house but feeling upset when the plan changes at the last minute to a park

• Being very excited about a new activity, but feeling overwhelmed once it actually starts

• Loving a routine (like the same bedtime story every night) but suddenly wanting something completely different at bedtime

• Getting really interested in something and focusing deeply, but struggling to shift attention when it’s time to stop

• Feeling “I want to go!” and “I don’t want to go!” at the same time

• Using actual examples that the child has experienced can be extremely helpful

  
  

When children understand both parts of their brain, it helps make sense of experiences that may have felt confusing before. Instead of thinking, “What’s wrong with me?” they can begin to think, “Both parts of my brain are trying to help in different ways.”

The goal here is to help both helpers work together so the child can feel more understood, supported, and confident in their decisions.

If Your Child Has a PDA Profile

Some autistic children have a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance or Persistent Drive for Autonomy) profile. One way to explain it is: "Your brain also has a really sensitive pressure alarm. Sometimes even small expectations make that alarm go off really quickly. This part does not like feeling controlled, even by small things like asking you to clear your plate at dnner. That doesn't mean you're choosing to make things difficult. It means your brain notices pressure and expectations/demands very strongly.”

This explanation can be incredibly validating for children who have spent years hearing that they're "defiant" or "oppositional."

I highly recommend that you find some good PDA-affirming supports such as PDA North America or Kristy Forbes.  

Handling Criticism or Stigma From Others

Unfortunately, many people misunderstand neurodivergence or mental health. What we have to focus on is that misunderstanding is about a lack of knowledge rather than the child’s self worth. We will not be able to protect them from any minimization, rejection or teasing, and we cannot control how others interact with our children. The best we can do is to prepare them for it and remind them that we do not have to accept what others say about us.

For younger children:

“Sometimes people don’t understand things they haven’t learned about yet.”

“Your brain works differently, and that’s not a bad thing. Some people know a lot about autism/ADHD/anxiety, and some people don’t know very much. If someone says something unkind or confusing, it usually means they don’t understand, not that there’s something wrong with you.”

“If someone says something that makes you feel bad, you can tell a trusted grown-up, and we’ll help you.”

For older children and preteens:

“People have different ideas about mental health and differently wired brains. Some people understand a lot, some people understand a little, and some people have old or inaccurate ideas.”

“For a long time, people didn’t talk openly about things like autism, ADHD, anxiety, or depression. Because of that, some adults and kids still have misunderstandings that are outdated. You might hear comments like ‘everyone is a little autistic’ or ‘you just need to try harder.’ Those comments can hurt, but they don’t change the truth about your brain.”

Overall Possible Things to Say

“Your diagnosis is not a bad secret. It’s information that helps you understand yourself. You get to decide who you share it with, and you don’t have to explain yourself to everyone. You get to decide who you share it with.”

“You don’t have to tell everyone about your diagnosis. That’s called privacy. Privacy is different from shame. Shame is feeling like something is wrong with you. Privacy is simply choosing who you want to share personal information with.”

“Some people might not understand, and a few people may say unkind things. That can happen with lots of differences people have. But many people will understand, support you, and appreciate you for exactly who you are. And the adults in your life are here to help you handle the people who don’t.”

“You’re going to meet people who understand your brain really well, people who are still learning, and a few people who may never fully understand. None of those people get to decide how important you are. Your diagnosis doesn’t make you less smart, less kind, less capable, or less important. It is just one part of you.”

Helping them respond to common comments

You can role-play simple responses such as:

If someone says: “Everyone is a little autistic.” Child can say: “Actually, people can have some similar traits, but not everyone is autistic.”

If someone says: “You don’t look autistic.” Child can say: “Autism doesn’t have one look.”

If someone says: “Just try harder.” Child can say: “I am trying hard. My brain just works differently.”

What You Don't Need to Say

You don't need to convince your child that their diagnosis is either wonderful or terrible. Instead, focus on helping them understand themselves. Try to avoid comments (or shut down comments from others) like:

• "Everyone is a little autistic."

• "You don't look autistic."

• "Don't use it as an excuse."

• "You'll grow out of it."

• If someone does say something like this, you can try the following responses:

  • "Many people can relate to one or two autistic traits. What makes someone autistic is the overall pattern of how their brain processes information, relationships, communication, sensory experiences, and the world around them."

  • "I know people often say that to be reassuring, but it's actually not accurate. Everyone may relate to some ADHD traits, but not everyone has an ADHD brain. Understanding that difference helps us better support ADHD’ers instead of minimizing their experiences."

  • "Actually, autism isn't something everyone has 'a little' of. It's a distinct neurotype."

  • "Everyone has autistic-like traits sometimes, but not everyone is autistic."

  • “Everyone coughs at times but not everyone has asthma. It is like that for my child.”

  •  "No, everyone experiences some similar behaviors, but autism/adhd is a different way the brain develops and processes the world."

Instead, try saying:

• "Your brain works differently."

• "We're learning what helps your brain."

• "This helps explain why some things have always felt harder."

• "There's nothing wrong with who you are."

• "We'll figure this out together."

This Is the Beginning, Not the End

Your child's diagnosis impacts how we understand them. Yesterday, they were doing the very best they could with the brain they have. Today, they are the exact same child and now you have a roadmap.

As parents, our goal isn't to change who our children are. It's to understand them more deeply, reduce unnecessary barriers, and help them build a life where they can thrive as their authentic selves.

For parents who received a diagnosis in childhood, many reflect that the information was often framed in a negative or deficit-based way. They commonly describe that this early messaging influenced how they understood themselves for many years, sometimes contributing to shame, confusion, or misunderstanding about their neurodivergence. I personally feel similarly, as well.

When children understand their brains, they are more likely to advocate for themselves, recognize their strengths, ask for the support they need, and grow into adults who see their neurodivergence as part of who they are and not something to hide or be ashamed of.

And that may be one of the greatest gifts we can give them!

Helpful Books to Add to the Conversation

Congratulations, You’re Autistic! By Katie Bassiri

All My Stripes

My Brain is a Racecar

Uniquely Wired

A Kids Book About Neurodiversity

All Cats are on the Autism Spectrum

All Dogs have ADHD

My Whirling, Twirling Motor

Autonomous Otto

All About PDA

Wonderfully Wired Brains

Our Amazing Minds

Marvelous

Benji’s Busy Brain

A Kids Book about ADHD

The Day I Learned I’m Autistic (and ADHD)

The Rainbow Brain

The Case of the Sensational Stims

My Wandering, Dreaming Mind

Down the Road

Parenting a neurodivergent child can sometimes feel different from what many people expected parenting to be. Traditional parenting advice does not always account for differences in sensory processing, emotional regulation, attention, or nervous system needs.

Because of this, many families find it helpful to seek out additional support as they learn and grow. This might include working with a therapist, parent coach, or professional who has experience in neurodiversity-affirming approaches. Some families also choose to engage in parenting courses or educational resources that focus on autism, ADHD, anxiety, or sensory differences.

There is no expectation that parents should already know how to do this perfectly. Learning is part of the process.

Helping Your Child Understand Themselves

Over time, one of the most powerful supports we can offer is helping children understand their own neurotype in a way that feels safe, positive, and empowering.

As children grow, they can begin to learn:

• What helps their brain feel calm and regulated

• What situations feel more challenging for them

• What supports help them succeed at school and home

• How to communicate their needs in safe and respectful ways

  
  

When children understand their own brains, they are more likely to develop confidence, self-compassion, and the ability to ask for support when they need it.

It can also be meaningful (and often fun!) for children to learn that many well-known artists, scientists, athletes, and creators are neurodivergent.

Exploring these examples together can help children feel less alone and more connected to a broader story of different kinds of minds contributing to the world in unique ways. This can be a bonding experience for families and a gentle way to build pride and identity.

The goal is not comparison, but connection: helping a child see that their brain is not rare in a negative sense, but part of a wide and diverse human experience.

In the next blog post, I’ll explore how to share this information with your child’s school, other environments, and family members, and how to make sense of evaluation results in a way that translates into practical, supportive strategies, accommodations, and next steps.