Hard Topics: Discussing Consent, Boundaries and Respect with Your Children

Trigger warning: This article contains references to sexual assault, rape, and childhood sexual abuse.

Everyone has been talking about the Cornell7 story. While unfortunately not a new type of story, it is an especially uncomfortable one. One of the hardest parts of situations like this is understanding how quickly a sense of “this is just what everyone is doing” can take hold. People may recognize that something feels wrong but remain silent when everyone around them appears to be accepting it.

Stories like this can leave parents feeling horrified, angry, concerned, or unsure about how to talk to their own children. It can also bring up very personal feelings about safety.

These conversations do not have to be one big conversation. They can happen gradually and repeatedly as children grow. The language and level of detail should change based on a child's chronological age, developmental level, emotional capacity, and individual needs.

Here are some ways to begin conversations about consent, body boundaries, healthy relationships, and speaking up when something doesn't feel right.

Prevalence:

Sexual violence is unfortunately common. National data measure different aspects of sexual violence in different ways, so these numbers should not be treated as though they are all measuring the exact same experience.

National data show that approximately:

• 45% of women have experienced some form of contact sexual violence during their lifetime, which is roughly 1 in 2 women.

• 17% of men have experienced some form of contact sexual violence during their lifetime, which is roughly 1 in 6 men.

• More than 1 in 5 women and approximately 1 in 31 men have experienced completed or attempted rape during their lifetime.

• Among U.S. high school students, approximately 1 in 9 reported experiencing sexual violence during the previous year. Among girls, the number was approximately 1 in 6.

These numbers can feel overwhelming. The purpose of sharing them is not to make children afraid of other people. It is to help us understand why conversations about consent, boundaries, relationships, and speaking up are so important.

The #MeToo movement brought widespread attention to how common these experiences are and gave many people an opportunity to speak about experiences they had previously kept private. Stories of sexual assault on college campuses have similarly highlighted questions and concerns about bystander behavior, lack of institutional responses, and what happens when people witness concerning behavior but do not do anything about it.

Things to Keep in Mind:

Chronological age and emotional age are not always completely synchronous. You may have an 8-year-old who can discuss complicated social situations with incredible insight and another 8-year-old who needs much simpler language. You may have a teenager who understands the concept of consent intellectually but has difficulty recognizing pressure when they are experiencing it.

Consider your individual child's presentation, communication style, processing abilities, and current capacity when deciding how to approach these conversations.

Also consider the location of these discussions. Sometimes being in the car, going on a walk, or laying next to each other in bed at night can be less threatening options with limited eye contact.

And remember, it is never too young to begin talking about body boundaries and consent, and it is never too late to start. If you are raising a teenager and have never had these conversations before, you can still begin now.

Self-Reflection:

Before beginning these conversations, check in with yourself.

If you are a survivor of childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault, conversations about this topic may bring up especially strong emotions. That is understandable.

You do not have to be perfectly comfortable discussing the topic in order to talk with your child. At the same time, it is okay to recognize when something is too activating for you.

If it feels like too much, consider whether another trusted adult can take the lead while you support the conversation. You can also have a regulation tool readily accessible including ice water, a cozy blanket, your favorite music playing low in the background or something else.

You might also become curious about what is underneath your reaction.

Is it fear about your child's safety?

Is it the feeling that you cannot control what happens to them?

Is it anger about the possibility of someone hurting your child?

Is it connected to your own experiences?

There does not have to be one right answer. Talking with a partner, trusted friend, or mental health professional can sometimes help you process your own feelings so that your child's questions and experiences do not become responsible for regulating your nervous system.

Picking the Time and Resources:

You do not need to create a formal “consent talk.” In fact, these conversations are often easier when they happen naturally over time.

A book can be the best way to open the door to a conversation. A television show or movie can provide an opportunity to talk about a character's choices. Something that happens at school can become a chance to discuss boundaries or peer pressure. You might ask: “What do you think about that?” or “I wonder what you would do if that happened to you.”

You can also start with situations that have nothing to do with sexual behavior. Consent begins with everyday experiences and interactions. These everyday interactions build the foundation for more complicated conversations later.

“Your friend said stop. What should you do?”

“You don't want a hug. What could you do instead?”

“You asked your friend to stop and they didn't. What could you do next?”

Young Children: Ages 2–5

Some favorite books for beginning conversations about body boundaries and consent include Yes, No and Want a Hug?

Other options include:

• Teach Your Dragon Body Safety

• No Means No

• Consent: Introducing Consent and Body Boundaries

• No Huddles for Heloise

• Drake the Super-Excited, Overeager, In-Your-Face Snake

• The ABCs of Consent

  
  

At this age, keep the language simple and concrete. Children can begin learning:

• “Your body belongs to you.”

• “You can say stop.”

• “When someone says stop, we move back and stop” (and then model this)

• “You can ask before touching someone.”

• “You don't have to hug or kiss someone.”

• “You can always tell an adult you trust when something feels wrong.”

  
  

It is also helpful to differentiate between consent and necessary caregiving, especially related to safety or hygiene. There are situations when adults need to do something with a child's body to care for them or keep them healthy. Washing hair, brushing teeth, putting on a seatbelt, administering medicine or cutting nails may sometimes need to happen even when a child doesn't want to participate. We can still respect their body and communicate what is happening. This can be especially important for children who are highly autonomy-seeking or have a PDA profile.

For example: “You don't want me to wash your hair. I hear you. We still need to wash it, and I'm going to help you through it.”

Model Body Boundaries:

Actively model respecting boundaries in everyday interactions. If you are wrestling with your child and they say “stop,” stop. You can say: “Okay. You said stop, so I'm going to stop.”

If your child doesn't want a hug from a relative, don't force the hug. Instead: “You don't want a hug. That's okay. Would you like to wave, give a high five, or say goodbye?”

Children learn consent not only through conversations but by experiencing what it feels like when their boundaries are taken seriously.

Sibling Interactions:

Pay attention to sibling interactions, particularly when physical play becomes intense. You might say something like: “You are both laughing right now, and it looks like you're having fun. If it becomes too much, you can say stop.” And if one child says stop: “I heard your sibling say stop. It's time to step away.”

If a child has difficulty stopping when someone has communicated a boundary, an adult may need to physically separate the children and help everyone regulate. The goal is not to shame the child who struggled to stop but instead to clearly communicate that another person's boundary and voice matters.

You can also check in one-on-one with each sibling and make an observational statement about what patterns you see happening with their sibling(s) and what they wish was happening instead. You could even role play if they were open to it.

Mixed Signals Are Still Worth Noticing:

I have personally observed my children give what can look like mixed signals during interactions. A child might be laughing while also saying “stop,” continuing to move toward someone while telling them to stop, or appearing to enjoy part of an interaction while another part has become too much. These moments can be confusing for children and adults alike.

Rather than assuming we know what the child means, we can slow down and help them sort through the signals: “You're laughing, but you're also saying stop. That seems confusing. Are you wanting them to stop?” Or: “It looks like you're having fun, and I also heard you say stop. I'm going to pause. You can tell me what you want.”

Importantly, we don't need to figure out which signal is the “real” one before responding to the boundary. If someone says stop, the safest response is to pause the interaction and check in.

A child can enjoy an interaction and still reach a point where it becomes too much. They can change their mind. They can laugh because they are excited, nervous, uncomfortable, or simply because something is funny. Laughter does not automatically mean consent. This is also an opportunity to help children develop language for their own experiences:

“Sometimes we can be having fun and still need a break.”

“You can laugh and still want someone to stop.”

“You can change your mind.”

“You don't have to figure out the perfect words. You can say stop, move away, or ask for help.”

Elementary-Aged Children: Ages 6–10:

Some books for this age group include:

• Consent for Kids

• Let's Talk About Body Boundaries, Consent and Respect

• Consent Ninja

• Same Love, Different Hug

• Connor Kissed Me

• Body Boundaries Make Me Stronger

• Don't Hug the Quokka

• Hattie Hates Hugs

Continue talking about body boundaries, personal space, and respecting another person's “no.”

At this age, social situations often become more complicated. Children may encounter peers who are handsy, invade personal space, pressure them to participate in something, or behave differently because they are trying to fit in. You can begin by talking about the differences between:

“I don't like this.”

“Please stop.”

“I'm uncomfortable.”

“I don't want to do that.”

“I need help.”

Middle Schoolers: Ages 11–13:

Some resources for this age group include:

• Respect Me, Respect My Boundaries

• Welcome to Consent

• Consent for Kids: Boundaries, Respect and Being in Charge of YOU

• Real Talk About Sex and Consent

• The Girl's Guide to Relationships, Sexuality and Consent

• Me Too and You

• It Doesn't Have to Be Awkward

  
  

Middle school can be particularly complicated because of the increasing importance of conformity. No one wants to be the person who goes against the group. A middle schooler may recognize that something feels wrong but worry about what other people will think or if they might lose their friends or face some kind of backlash.

This is an important time to talk about group behavior and bystander situations. If your child asks why you are bringing up a particular story, it can be okay to share an age-appropriate version of what happened. This is especially if they have already heard about it.

First, try to determine what they know. This gives you an opportunity to correct misinformation without immediately overwhelming them with your own interpretation. You might then use curious, open-ended statements:

“I wonder what feels most uncomfortable about this story.”

“I'm curious what you think the people in that group could have done differently.”

“What do you think someone could do if they weren't comfortable confronting the whole group? What other options might they have?”

See what they come up with before adding your own ideas. A lot of parents miss this step.

Tell Them They Can Always Come to You:

This is also an important age to repeatedly communicate that they will not get in trouble with you for sharing something that happened. This applies whether they experienced something themselves, witnessed something happening to someone else, received a concerning message, or participated in something and are now worried about it.

Children sometimes stay silent because they are afraid that telling an adult will make everything worse. We want them to know that coming to you is always an option, even when they aren't sure what happened or what to exactly call it.

Dating and Relationships:

Dating may also become more relevant during these years. Try to talk about boundaries before your child is in a situation where they need to use them.

Discuss and consider:

• What does it mean to respect someone's “no”?

• Can someone change their mind?

• What does pressure look like?

• What is the difference between asking and repeatedly pushing?

• What does a healthy disagreement look like in a friendship or a romantic relationship?

• What does it look like when someone respects your boundaries? What does it look like when someone doesn't?

  
  

Some families also establish a code word that means, “I need you to help me immediately.” This is something I really could have used when I was younger. This can be particularly useful if a child is somewhere they cannot comfortably explain what is happening.

High Schoolers: Ages 14–18:

Some teenagers will roll their eyes. They may say that they already know but that’s OK.  You can still talk about it.

Graphic novels and illustrated resources can be particularly useful for some teens. What Does Consent Really Mean? is a graphic novel for teens that follows young people discussing consent after a classmate experiences sexual assault.

A Quick & Easy Guide to Consent is a short, illustrated guide that explores consent and relationships and emphasizes that consent involves more than simply hearing the word “no.”

Other books addressing relationships, sexuality, consent, and difficult situations can also be appropriate depending on the individual teenager.

At this age, I would expand the conversation beyond the basic concept of consent. This includes pressure, manipulation, gaslighting, coercive control, jealousy, isolation, boundary testing, digital boundaries, recognizing when a relationship doesn't feel emotionally safe, and/or what healthy friendship and romantic relationships look like.

Consent Is More Than Saying “No:”

Consent isn't only about sexual activity. It is also about mutual respect, autonomy, healthy communication, and the ability to make choices without being pressured or punished.

One of the most important messages we can give young people is that consent isn't simply the absence of the word “no.”  We want children and teens to learn to notice whether another person is freely participating. Someone being quiet, freezing, going along with something or appearing uncertain does not automatically mean they are consenting.

We also want young people to understand that consent can change. Someone can say yes and later change their mind. Someone can be comfortable with one thing and uncomfortable with something else. Someone can want to participate one day and not want to participate another day.

Neurodivergent Children and Teens:

Conversations about consent and boundaries can sometimes look different for autistic, ADHD, Autistic, AuDHD, FASD and PDA-profile children. Some children may need more explicit teaching about social expectations, body language, personal space, or what different responses can mean.

Others may be especially vulnerable to these kinds of things:

• people-pleasing

• difficulty recognizing social pressure

• difficulty identifying their own body signals

• difficulty interpreting indirect communication

• wanting to avoid conflict with others

• freezing when overwhelmed

• following a social rule even when something feels uncomfortable

  
  

We also want to be careful not to teach children that they must ignore their own boundaries in order to be “polite.” A child does not have to hug someone, sit next to someone, participate in a game, keep a secret, or continue an interaction simply because another person wants them to. For some children, concrete scenarios work better than abstract conversations.

“I wonder what you might be able to say if you don't want to do that?”

“What could you do if someone doesn't listen when you say stop?”

“I’m curious about who you could potentially tell if someone else isn't comfortable?”

“What if everyone else is doing it and your body is telling you something feels wrong?”

“Can someone change their mind after they already said yes?”

“What would you do if a friend told you something happened that made them uncomfortable?”

Speaking Up Doesn't Have to Look One Way:

When we teach children to be an “upstander,” they may imagine that speaking up means standing in front of everyone and confronting the group, but that's only one option.

Speaking up might mean saying that something isn’t OK but it also could mean changing the subject, checking in privately with the person who seems uncomfortable, leaving the situation, telling someone about it, reporting something that happened online, or asking another person for help. It also may take some time before they are fully able to process what they witnessed or experienced.  We can teach children that getting help counts as speaking up.

What If Everyone Else Is Doing It?:

This is one of the hardest lessons for children and adults alike. Sometimes the most concerning behavior happens in a group setting. When someone thinks that no one else seems to be bothered, everyone around them is laughing or maybe they are just misunderstanding what is going on, this is when we want to help our children to pause and check in with themselves.

They don't need to immediately decide that someone is dangerous or that they know exactly what is happening. Instead, they can notice that something about this doesn’t feel quite right and then they can choose what to do next. Sometimes they are able to experience that gut feeling of intuition. But not every child will always experience a clear warning signal in their body.

Some children and teens (particularly children with alexithymia, interoceptive differences, trauma histories, anxiety, or neurodivergence) may experience internal signals differently. Therefore, sometimes discomfort looks like a gut feeling. Sometimes it looks like noticing that someone keeps ignoring a boundary. Sometimes it is realizing that someone is pressuring another person. Your child does not have to be completely certain that something is wrong before they can pause, leave, check in with someone, or tell a trusted adult.

Keep the Door Open:

Most importantly, these conversations should not happen once. You can keep having them at different ages and stages of life. Encourage them to ask questions and use everyday situations, or moments in movies, tv shows or on social media, as examples.

At the end of the day, we want to do our best to communicate the following:

“You can always come to me.”

“You won't be in trouble for telling me something that concerns or confuses you.”

“You don't have to figure out by yourself whether something is serious enough to tell an adult.”

“If something happens and you don't know what to call it, you can still tell me.”

“If you made a mistake, you can still come to me.”

“If you witnessed something happening to someone else, you can still come to me and tell me.”

Our goal is to create relationships where children know that when something feels confusing, uncomfortable, or unsafe, they do not have to carry it alone.